Generation Meh

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  • Like Death And Taxes, You Can’t Fight Time

    Hate To Break It To You is a recurring feature wherein we dispense succinct home truths that everyone could benefit from facing up to, unpleasant as they may be.

    Time is going to keep passing no matter how you choose to spend it. I hear a lot of folks bemoaning the fact (and I’m guilty of it myself) that what they want or need will take sooo long to achieve that it really isn’t worth making the effort. But the thing is, even if it takes you two years to lose the weight or you’re on the adoption waiting list for three or steaming off all the wallpaper in the upstairs hallway isn’t going to be finished until next Christmas, that time is going to pass anyway. Intellectually, it’s uncomfortable to deliberately opt into delayed gratification over leaving the door open to some yet-to-be-identified Hail Mary pass that will give us what we want without demanding three calendars’ worth of effort. I get that. But the clock ain’t gonna stop just because you shun thinking about the long term.

    Photo by Joe Lanman

    Sure, some means of passing the time are more labor and commitment intensive than others (going back to school to become a vet vs. signing up for clinical trials of a new drug for MS), but think about how you’d be spending those weeks or months or years otherwise. How many of us would be spending them engaged in replacement activities and pursuits to rival the ones we’re putting off? If you weren’t training to make the Boston Marathon qualifying time, it’s far more likely that you’d just be dicking around as per usual (and thinking about how you’d love to get into distance running someday) vs. learning mixed martial arts or fostering kittens as a substitute.

    And if you haven’t identified an abbreviated route to the satisfaction you’re seeking, it’s very likely that you’ll come to the end of the time you thought would take forever to pass with absolutely nothing to show for the period you deemed everlasting except for the cold comfort of not having “wasted” it on working your way closer to your end goal. Congrats on that shrewdness, by the way.

  • Preserving The Past One Old Email At A Time

    This week, I went through some old messages on a forum I used to frequent with the intent of scrapping them before the site itself closed up shop. But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t hit delete and wipe ’em out permanently. There’s something to be said for a paper trail, ya know? Heck, I still have a Hotmail account dating back to 2001 that I don’t use any longer, but that you’d have to pry from my cold dead hands. If you’ve sent me a message in the last decade, I probably still have it somewhere. F’reals. I sorted through my old inbox recently and there was a whole lot of smincing (my newly-invented word to describe the smile + wince that accompanies bittersweet remembrances of times past) going on.

    Photo by Sham Jolimie

    Many of the emails predate moves, marriages, babies. There are emails from people I truly miss having in my life and from others with whom I can hardly remember ever having been friends. Exchanges from group projects in undergrad, every Martha Stewart recipe my mother has ever sent me, stories and anecdotes that I don’t remember being a party to, but that must have happened because I deemed them important enough to warrant a dramatic three-paragraph recounting.

    And I’m not alone. I posed the question on Twitter as to whether folks held onto their correspondence or deleted them in a timely fashion and all of the respondents indicated that they too were email accumulators. Some went as far as archiving old messages, while others, like me,  just never hit delete. Is it because these missives don’t take up any physical space? It’s not like collecting Beanie Babies or shelves full of Depression glass after all. Or is it something more? How else can you see at a glance who you were, where you were and what mattered to you at a given point in time with such ease? Pictures still make you do the legwork of trying to conjure up the emotions represented in the tableau, but words, words spell it all out for you, quite literally.

    It’s not the kind of piling up and squirreling away that will land you on an episode of Hoarders, but it provides a certain psychic security in allowing us to surround/immerse ourselves in our stuff at a moment’s notice. The past isn’t underfoot and stacked all around us, but it’s still there waiting and we can sink into it and revisit the feelings of a particular place and time (from the breathlessly new and exciting to the quotidian) with only a few clicks. Call it time travel for the prose-minded packrat.

    Given that allure, is it really any wonder that so many of us are loath (for better or worse) to part with such easily accessible historical lifelines to who we once were and how we once lived?

  • Groundhog Day Is Real And You’re Living It

    I’ve been thinking a lot about tenability, sustainability and the long term lately.There’s the idea that if you just keep on keeping on that you’ll eventually catch a break. Dues will be paid, you’ll figure out a system, things will get easier. But what if they don’t? What if the path you’re currently on is never going to level out, never going to get less rocky and will always force you to march uphill (both ways, natch)? And for a lot of people (chronic illness, systemic poverty, workers whose skills are of little value in the knowledge economy), that’s the reality.

    Photo by scazon

    What happens when you subtract future-focused hope from the equation is that you force yourself to confront the here and now on its own terms and not simply as a stepping stone to the notion of a better and brighter tomorrow that you may be clinging to. Maybe a glut of education grads means you’ll have to spend the next 10 years as a substitute teacher. Maybe your freelancing will never take off and you’ll always be living pay check to uncertain pay check until you trade it in for Social Security. Maybe you won’t ever get out of the mail room. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Your fortunes may skyrocket or they may not. Counting on the upswing keeps you from critically assessing whether you could live happily without that upswing or whether it’s the mental crutch that makes now tolerable. Time to see if you can stand up without it.

    It’s not about  frantic back-up plans and escape hatches and freakouts, it’s about deciding whether you’re willing to live your today as your tomorrow and what that would look like. In other words, is today tenable? Does it make you happy enough to be okay with repeating a version of it for the next 40 years? Hand on heart, answer honestly.  And if it doesn’t? Well, right now (and not tomorrow) is the time to start thinking about what you’re willing to do about that in practical, concrete, non-panicky terms.

    If  your life on its current trajectory was never going to be any more fulfilling for you than it is right now, would you still live it the same way or would you make changes?

  • Growing Up Grateful

    Maybe it’s because family has been on my mind this week. Or maybe it’s because my mother just celebrated a birthday a couple of days ago and my father will celebrate one in less than a month. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been reading about other people’s less than idyllic upbringings and feeling pretty flippin’ lucky by comparison. In any case, I’ve been thinking lately that I owe the people who brought me into this world a major debt of gratitude. I may occasionally disagree vociferously with their advice (they’re used to this), but that doesn’t dim my appreciation for the fact that they care enough to offer it. In no particular order, a handful of parental provisions for which I’m very grateful:

    Photo by Darwin Bell

    The belief that I could do and be any damn thing in the whole damn world
    Maybe I’ve internalized this one a bit too much, because I still believe my own hype a little more than is ego-appropriate. In all my years on earth, however, I’ve never doubted my own merits and my (sometimes untapped) capacity for awesome. Props to the parents for teaching me that from Day 1.

    A pressure-free space to find my own way
    Did you know some people’s parents hector them about settling down, finding someone, getting married, having babies? If my parents ever raised these issues, it would be a sure sign that they’d both developed brain tumors. My mother has the uncanniest people-reading skills that you’ll ever come across and is on record (many times) as saying she’d much rather any of her offspring stay perpetually single than get hooked up with card-carrying douches.

    The knowledge that I’ll always have a soft place to land
    Sure, I’m not hankering to take up residence on the rec room couch in the near future, but I know that option is always there if I need it and that it will be given freely without shaming or recrimination. It’s nice to prove Thomas Wolfe at least a little bit wrong.

    The understanding that you do it because it needs to get done
    You might not want to, you might kvetch and kick up a fuss, but you will do it, because there really is no other option. Shirking responsibility doesn’t enter into the equation.

    For better or worse, what have you learned from your folks?

  • Clean and Fresh

    Friday Philosophizing comes early this week! I ask open-ended questions. You answer. There will be tea, but not Earl Grey because that’s just wrong.

    Photo by dragonflysky

    What is a fresh start?

    Does it involve beginning again or beginning something completely different? In my mind, there’s a definite difference between starting over in order to rebuild the life or circumstances you once had (after a divorce, natural disaster, serious illness, etc.) and deciding to take your life in a completely different direction from what you’ve been doing. Going off to college is a fresh start, while rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina is starting over. Dig?

    How often do we long for a fresh start, but end up unwittingly recreating the same patterns and habits and lifestyle in a new city, at a new job, with a new partner? And then wonder only a few months down the road why everything seems so achingly familiar and why we’re battling the same issues and emotions that dogged us before we tried to wipe the slate clean? Really, we ask, how far do we have to get away and how much do we have to throw out  for things to finally look and feel new?

    Is a true fresh start possible? What sort of change does it entail?*

    *Not rhetorical. Gimme your answers in the comments!

  • How To Be A Success Detective

    I get unreasonably annoyed when I see someone “undeserving” enjoying success. It’s a petty impulse and shaped in large part by my desire to believe the world is meritocratic (it isn’t), but there you go. Talent, determination and ruthlessness you can’t really argue with, but the fact that Jersey Shore‘s The Situation is set to earn 5 million bucks this year or that the Duke student who made that elaborate PowerPoint presentation about her sexual partners is now fielding calls from publishers? Is there no justice in the world? Not for the jealous, evidently.

    Photo by crowt59

    But so much envy isn’t healthy. It inevitably turns inward and robs you of the clarity to fully appreciate your own strengths and it clouds your judgment to the point where you can almost convince yourself that copying someone else’s tried-and-true formula (conveniently offered in downloadable form at the bargain price of $99 for the next 24 hours only) is what you’re going to have to do to achieve results.

    Not so fast. It might behoove you to look a little closer at the success you covet before giving in to the green-eyed monster. It’s what I do and what has saved me from developing an ulcer over society’s totally unfair distribution of acclamation. And the good news is that becoming a success detective is pretty darn easy. Start with asking yourself the following questions the next time you get annoyed at someone’s good fortune:

    What’s the appeal?
    What exactly do they have that you’d like for yourself? Hint: the answer is rarely as simple as money or power. Maybe it’s the freedom to live a more spontaneous life that having a large disposable income provides. Maybe it’s having your ideas heard and acted upon by people because your earning power provides entree into the social sphere inhabited by business or political decision-makers. Maybe it’s the possibility of forging emotional connections to strangers based on something you’ve personally created (a book, a song, a painting, etc.). Once you are able to boil your coveting down to its very basic impetus, you can start figuring out ways in which to reasonably get more of feeling x (control!) or condition y (respect!) into your own life, or you can realize that it’s not so much the qualities of success that you hunger after, but rather judgment about the undeserving nature of the person enjoying them that you hold. In which case, you’re gonna have to let that one go.  As mentioned, this ol’ world isn’t a meritocracy and no one tapped you to play arbiter of worthiness.

    Is it relevant to who you are?
    Maybe you want to lock yourself in the basement every Christmas when the dinner table conversation revolves around the operating room exploits of your cousin, Dr.Mike the Neurosurgeon (as your Nana refers to him). But while you might seethe at the attention he gets, remind yourself that you have no interest in medicine and get queasy at the sight of blood. If someone’s success is predicated on skills you don’t have/aren’t going to hone or interest in a field that has zero appeal for you, it’s pretty pointless to get bent out of shape by it. The fruits of their labor might be appealing, but if the labor itself would have you running in the other direction (not everyone wants to work 18-hour days, make ballsy cold calls or take one vacation a decade), quit wasting energy on coveting.

    Is it replicable?
    As part of their persona or their sales pitch, a lot of people trade on the Average Joe makes good trope and play off their success as something that could just as easily happen to you if you’re willing to work hard and eat your green vegetables. But could it? Dig a little deeper to determine what part factors such family lineage and connections (good ol’ nepotism), economic privilege, historical context, brown-nosing and simply being in the right place at the right time played. There’s only one George W. Bush, after all. Don’t let someone else’s perfect storm of privilege and circumstance convince you that your own efforts are lacking and that you could be in their shoes if only you hustled a little harder.

    Expecting to eliminate all of your pangs of jealousy is unreasonable, but you can certainly put them in context, figure out what’s driving them and decide if they’re worth your precious mental energy to keep hanging onto.

  • A Cookie Is Worth A Thousand Words

    Last night, as I was standing at the Starbucks counter waiting for my extra-hot soy chai to be served, I noticed a stack of business cards by the register. Or rather, I noticed the name on the cards. It was the same name as that of a very helpful bureaucrat (ordinarily an oxymoron, but not in this case) I’d met with a couple of months earlier to discuss government small business support programs. The cards were advertising photography services, so I memorized the website (not sure why I didn’t just, ya know, take one) and looked it up when I got home. Yup, same guy. In addition to business counseling, he photographs babies and bald eagles in his spare time.  How flippin’ cool is that?

    Photo by Chiot’s Run

    To my mind? Very. I love, love, love uncovering hidden talents and histories and interests that you’d never figure out from strictly superficial interactions with people. Your boss is in a barbershop quartet. Your new roommate was the state spelling bee champion of Idaho at age eight. Your mechanic speaks semi-fluent Japanese because his family used to take in exchange students when he was growing up. Learning these things is like biting into a regular ol’ oatmeal cookie and discovering that it’s filled with secret chocolate chips.

    We spend a lot of time in our heads building and refining our own stories. A lot. Sometimes, we need a reminder that other people have their stories, too. Stories that are just as rich and compelling and conflicting and heart-breaking as our own. The world and the ways we move through it aren’t necessarily conducive to swapping self-reflections, which makes the little behind-the-scenes glimpses into others’ experiences that we’re occasionally granted that much sweeter.

  • No More Motivation

    I don’t read or follow anyone who’s big in the personal development/motivation/entrepreneurship/social media spheres. Don’t read their blogs, couldn’t name their books, aren’t intrigued by their ideas and interested in subscribing to their newsletters, don’t follow ’em on Twitter, have only the vaguest idea of what TED is about (People giving speeches about how to be awesome? Maybe?). When I admit this, people seem surprised. But where do I get my ideas? My motivation? Do I think I’m better than someone who has topped the NYT bestseller list?

    Photo by robbed

    The fact is that I do not need more motivation in my life. I do not need someone preaching awesomeness and unconventionality and amping things up and crushing them. I find that irritating and exhausting and just so damn trite. I do not need someone or multiple someones telling me that jetsetting around the world and working 11 minutes a week and directing a biz empire from the comfort of a hammock in Costa Rica is not only completely plausible if I hustle enough, but that it’s actually my due. And I don’t think most other people need this either. Can you really carpe if you haven’t even figured out what your diem is? Not so much.

    There comes a point at which enough inspiration is enough. More than enough, even.  The rubber has to hit the road and you have to apply all of this mind-blowing counsel and cheerleading into making tangible changes or improvements in your life. And I see precious little of that actually occurring. Call it the inspiration to action gap.  I do see a lot of people caught up being fired up as if that were an end in itself (and for the folks peddling their pep-talking wares, it surely is). Few are stopping to unpack these words of wisdom, to see if there’s any substance beyond the buzzwords, to critically examine their chosen guru’s path to fulfillment to see if it can be plausibly replicated by any ol’ average Joe without means and connections. No, it’s just on to the next quote from the Dalai Lama or the next teleseminar on optimizing your personal brand for the coming location independence revolution. Really, wandering around in a constant state of mental stimulation without an implementation outlet probably feels a lot like those four-hour erections that the makers of Viagra and Cialis urge you to have medically evaluated ASAP.

    What’s much, much more interesting to me is for people to figure what they want and the concrete actions and changes in thinking that are needed in order to have whatever that is in a form that works for their specific life and then to actually go out AND MAKE THEM. And to make mistakes in the process. And try to learn from those. And laugh until they can’t breathe. And get pissed off and think about tearing it all apart, but decide to sleep on it instead.  And realize how many millions of folks are making and breaking themselves IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. And guess what? That approach is still free. Unglamorous, modest and utterly lacking in cultish, wild-eyed, lapel-grabbing, fist-pumping intellectual fervor, but free, uncopyrighted and meant just for you (and you and you and you). Can’t beat a deal like that. Right, rockstars?

  • Dear Santa…

    I’m borrowing this idea from Alexandra Franzen, friend of the blog. And while I lack Ms. Franzen’s level of congenial charm and pep (seriously, couldn’t she have left some for the rest of us?), I love the idea of simply throwing out there what we’re looking for to see what might happen. If you have the answer to any of the following (or are familiar with folks who do), let me know.

    Photo by kevindooley

    A web series, or more accurately, all of the components and collaboration that would go into developing a DIY web series. I’m thinking a little bit Once, a little bit Gavin and Stacey (the phone calls part) and a little bit uber gritty Friends filmed on flip cams or something.  Now is the time to tell some stories and I think this is the perfect Gen Y vehicle. Let’s make it happen!

    Suggestions on what to buy my mother for her birthday. It’s in less than two weeks and I’m stumped.

    A slammin’ idea for an e-product (c’mon, I know you’re all expecting this to happen eventually) that really speaks to what readers want and isn’t just a vacuous, vanity-driven PDF like so much of the downloadable content out there. If you know what you’d find valuable/useful in this arena, speak up.

    A serious writing partner or partner(s). I’m thinking about motivation and accountability vs. editorial feedback. I’m in the market for someone who will keep me honest when it comes to cranking out non-blog content. In turn, I will do likewise.

    Recommendations for what to see/do/nosh upon when I’m in NYC next month. Is American Idiot worth seeing? Where can I find a gluten-free bagel in the city? And, if you’re in NYC, would you like to reenact scenes from From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler with me? Or maybe we’d just have coffee.

    More awesome opportunities to ply my trade. Goes without sayin’.

    Examples of perfect fall jackets. I left my favorite one at my parents’ last year and need a replacement. I tried on a possibility in Old Navy, but it was very Lindsay from Freaks and Geeks. Also, I’m not really cool with pockets over my boobs.

    More witty banter in my life. I have an insatiable appetite for repartee, for pith, for studied silliness and there’s far too little of it lately. I’m kinda  Audrey II about this, I’ll admit it. So more clever turns of phrase, more out-of-the-blue wacky emails, more mirth!

    A visit to a corn maze. Or maybe an apple orchard. Or even a pumpkin patch.

    Just puttin’ it out there…

  • An Experiment in Friday Philosophizing

    Testing out a new feature. I will ask open-ended questions and you will come up with your own answers. We will sip tea and look thoughtful. I will wear the glasses. Let me know what you think.

    Photo by Shandi-lee

    Which is preferable: Wanting what’s best for someone or wanting them to be happy?

    I posed this question on Twitter this morning. It’s one I’ve been mulling over for a few days now. Sometimes, I just like to give my brain a little workout.

    It comes down to how we want and need to be supported and how we support others. Do you want to be challenged or cheered? Do you consider having your assumptions and actions questioned a path to growth or simply demoralizing? Does having your choices backed up unconditionally give you confidence in your decision-making ability or enable you stay in a rut? Do you push others even when they won’t push themselves or do you pride yourself on sticking by your friends and family no matter what?

    Of course, your answer will likely vary according to the situation. What you want/need from your boss, your therapist or your mother is going to be different (unless all three are the same person, in which case, you might consider diversifying). But it will also vary according to whether you prioritize achievement over embodiment or vice versa. Ideally, we all want to be blissfully content while fulfilling our lofty potential (and want the same for others if we’re pretending to be altruistic sorts), but what if the two aren’t compatible? What if happiness means dialing down the ambition or being all you can be involves being pretty glum in the process? Which wins out? Which should win out?

    Ponder it and get back to me. Or better yet, take up the question on your own turf (blog, Twitter, Facebook, etc.) and share your answer with the class.