Simple Criteria For Confrontation

I’ve been thinking a lot about going along to get along in the last few days. How we’re conditioned to stifle our impulses for the greater good of society. It reminds me of a conversation I had with friends recently as to what our end-of-the-world crimes would be. If everything was about to go kaput, how would we defy law and order as the clock ticked down? They chose stealing (but when would you have time to enjoy the loot?). I naturally went for blowing things up. Or perhaps the more intimate violence of punching people in the throat. Repeatedly. And really hard.

Photo by Michael Sarver

And while we would never do these things in our regular lives, it isn’t just primal destructive urges that we suppress. We tell our friend her new haircut makes her look like an adorable pixie instead of asking her if she went to Simon Cowell’s barber.  We don’t chastise our boss about his poor dental hygiene. We refrain from hitting on our former frat brother’s totally hot fiancee. We exercise self control. I’m a big champion of the dead to me approach wherein you simply banish offenders to your intellectual or emotional Siberia without ever bothering to hit them with a laundry list of their sins, but, sometimes, we take the whole biting our tongue thing too far. We opt not to speak up when we really ought to. In order not to rock the boat, we stay silent when people disrespect us, disregard our feelings, breach our trust. Deciding when to simply cut them off and walk away vs. voicing our hurt is a tricky decision that depends on a number of factors:

What’s your relationship to this person?

Is this someone you interact with regularly? Who hold the balance of power in the relationship? If you’re never likely to see him again, is getting in a shouting match with the guy who shoved in front of you in the concession line at Fenway Park really productive or worth your energy? Or what about if your thesis adviser has an ugly habit of pitting students against one another? As unpleasant as her methods might be, what is your recourse and will pursuing it leave you better off or in a more disadvantaged position than if you simply refused to get sucked into the competition?

On the other hand, in a close relationship of equals, allowing resentment and hurt to fester makes much less sense and will eventually out itself. If you see yourself with your current partner in the long term, then the upset you feel every time he cuts you off mid-sentence to change the subject is something that needs to be addressed.

How likely is it that they can or will make changes to their behavior?

Believe it or not, there are actually individuals out there who are mature and self-actualized enough that they’d want to know if their words or actions were unintentionally or inadvertently hurting someone they cared about. These are the kind of people you can air your grievance with and know that even if they don’t like what they hear, they will treat what you’ve said seriously and reflect on it. And there are other people who will offer you a lavish apology, swear never to offend again and blithely revert back to their old ways before your head is turned. These are the kind of folks on whom it isn’t worth wasting your breath (or energy). They’re not interested in righting a wrong or examining their conscience, they simply want you to quit being pissed off at them and will offer you whatever bland pronouncements of contrition are most likely to defuse the situation.

What are the consequences for you, for them and for others if you don’t say anything?

Are you going to continue to be hurt by the same behavior if you let this incident go unchecked? Are they going to hurt others in the same way in the future? Themselves? If you think your friend’s casual disregard for punctuality is eventually going to be an issue in the workplace and affect her chances for a promotion, maybe that’s the impetus for speaking up to say how frustrating and disrespectful it is when she’s chronically lately for your weekly coffee date. We can often overlook an isolated careless remark, a bad day, etc., but if the incident in question is part of a larger pattern of being hurt or treated poorly and is likely to keep happening until and unless you stop it, self-preservation of your own sanity and self-esteem might be just the motivation you need for flagging the issue.

What does your gut tell you?

Often, this is the deciding factor. Sometimes, for your own peace of mind, you have to take a stand. Nothing will come of it, no change, no apology, it might even muddy the waters further, but you simply need to speak out. And sometimes, even when the person deserves to be emotionally eviscerated, you refrain, shrug your shoulders and decide to let karma handle this one.